Girls are drama...just because I have a 'fear' of getting married doesn't mean I don't love who I'm dating. Or does it? I tend to analyze shit to death. Maybe that's a part of my anxiety/panic...I control everything I can :)
After saving the bug from the spider's web, I realized it was too late. I then felt guilty for making the bug suffer and for disrupting the natural cycle of life and taking the spider's meal away. Once I was certain the bug had died..I place 'it' back into the web and tried to carry on about my night. I ended up having to check on the situation and yep, the bug was gone and I assume the spider was full. I thought about that damn bug all.night.long. I really don't think anyone else would do that. I must have anxiety worse than everyone else in the world. I definitely feel that way when I'm in traffic. I look around at others, hoping to recognize the 'get me out of here look' but I have yet to find it. I truly feel so alone, though I read others blogs, I have myself convinced that I am worse.
Such is life. Already stressed about the drive to the hair salon, let alone sitting in the chair for a quick trim without being uncomfortable. Now I'm going to think about that bug again, oh and question if I'm dating the right guy now. Thanks 'friends'.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Introduction...
I don't know where I'm going with this, but its time I start blogging about my issues rather than write them out and wait for someone to find them after I die. That made no sense considering nobody will find this maybe until I"m gone.
I am 32, single, white, female living in the midwest............................WITH PANIC DISORDER. That is really what has defined me the last six years. Six years ago, I walked away from my fiance of nine years, broke his heart and apparently entered a depressive state that I am constantly pulling myself out of. Life with panic is not easy...it sucks actually but I do my best to find the humor in all of it. Some of my posts will be sad, some will be funny, etc etc. I still feel like I have all the time in the world to get married, have kids and all of that because that's what we're all supposed to do right? No way could someone ever find happiness without all the shit our grandparents did....UGH.
I talked to my mama today and somehow a trip we took to FL came up. She said when I was three, my pops put water wings on me and I jumped over and over from the high dive with no fear. Wow, to just be able to put water wings on today and sit in a small traffic jam would make my day. Instead, I'm armed with Paxil CR, Xanex, Ativan and Camel Lights.
I am 32, single, white, female living in the midwest............................WITH PANIC DISORDER. That is really what has defined me the last six years. Six years ago, I walked away from my fiance of nine years, broke his heart and apparently entered a depressive state that I am constantly pulling myself out of. Life with panic is not easy...it sucks actually but I do my best to find the humor in all of it. Some of my posts will be sad, some will be funny, etc etc. I still feel like I have all the time in the world to get married, have kids and all of that because that's what we're all supposed to do right? No way could someone ever find happiness without all the shit our grandparents did....UGH.
I talked to my mama today and somehow a trip we took to FL came up. She said when I was three, my pops put water wings on me and I jumped over and over from the high dive with no fear. Wow, to just be able to put water wings on today and sit in a small traffic jam would make my day. Instead, I'm armed with Paxil CR, Xanex, Ativan and Camel Lights.
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